[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_aurum/ posting in [community profile] picomin
Title: Pick Up The Soap, or: G(ay)lee
Author: [livejournal.com profile] _aurum
Pairing: Kurt/Karofsky, Kurt/Dalton Academy, everyone/everyone
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 2,251
Summary: All of a sudden, everyone seems to be gay. It would be a dream come true, if it wasn't so disturbing.
Notes: Crack. Honestly, not a single serious word was written that day.
Also, a big thanks goes to my friend, who spent his money on texts about celebrity crushes and matching colors, and basically made this fic 200% better. ♥

In retrospect, Kurt should've expected some cataclysm to happen. The whole day was going entirely too well up to this point.

He wore his new favorite outfit and didn't get even one slushie facial for his trouble. He did well on the English test. His shipment of the magical face cream just got delivered. Even his hair looked particularly good that day. Of course something had to happen and screw it up.

On the other hand, nobody expects a gay epidemic.


He strolled into the glee rehearsal room, content with his life, and ground to a halt a few steps in.

Puck somehow managed to squeeze himself next to Artie in his wheelchair and was trying to braid his hair. It wasn't going well (duh), but Artie seemed very pleased, judging by the way he was stroking Puck's thigh.

Mike was presumably teaching Sam some dance moves. It wouldn't be so strange if it didn't look like Mike was alternatively bending in very impressive (and even more suggestive) ways and pressing against the blond from behind. Apparently, Sam was a very enthusiastic dancer. Who knew?

But the worst had to be Finn, whose face lit up like a Christmas tree when he spotted Kurt. Also, he was wearing a scarf.

"Hey Kurt!" he said happily and waved. "You look good today!"

"I know, thank you," he replied distractedly. "Is that my scarf?"

Finn looked down, as if he managed to forget he was wearing it. "Oh, right! Hope you don't mind that I borrowed it?" He shot him another bright smile.

Kurt looked around the room in a desperate search for normality. There was some: Rachel was discussing something with their band, Quinn was talking with Mercedes, Brittany and Santana were wrapped up in each other… Then again, they weren't paying any attention to the guys, and that was definitely suspicious. Tina was watching her boyfriend and Sam like a hawk and squirming in her chair - possibly normal, may be worth further investigation. Mr. Schue was not there yet.

"Excuse me for a moment," he said calmly and backed out of the room, followed by Finn's cheerful 'Sure, Kurt!'. He leaned against a wall and took out his phone. The call was answered on the fifth ring.

"Blaine! I need help!" he cried.

"Kurt? What happened?"

He took a deep breath. "I think everybody's gay all of a sudden."


"Or high. High on gay drugs."


"I know it sounds crazy, but I'm serious! Something's wrong!"

"No, no, I believe you," said Blaine, and Kurt registered some suspicious sounds in the background. "Listen, remember when we told you that not everyone's gay here at Dalton?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"It seems like it's not the case anymore. We're arranging a… celebration."

Kurt blinked a few times. There were some muffled giggles and rustling on the phone line. "You mean a gay orgy?" he hissed.

"You could say that, yes." He heard a few cheers and exclamations. "The boys say you're invited as long as you wear the nice jacket."

"What? Every one of my jackets is the nice jacket!"

"Well, that just makes it easier for you, right? You better hurry, 'cause we kind of… ahhhh… started already. We really hope you come!"

He stressed the last word as if the innuendo wasn't obvious enough. The connection cut off with the sound of laughter and more cheering. Kurt checked his watch. How long does it take to get to Dalton, again?

Unfortunately, Finn chose that exact moment to stick his head out of the practice room.

"Did I hear something about a gay orgy?" he asked sweetly with a leer at Kurt. He might've been tempting, but the scarf wasn't even draped right!

Something was definitely wrong. The guys couldn't have become fans of-- he cautiously peered into the room-- painting each other's nails since yesterday. And pink was so not Puck's color. He shuddered.

Glee club was a priority and this was an emergency. He had to do something about this, stat! (He might manage to make it in time for a Round Two at the Dalton Academy later.)

Thankfully, he knew exactly whom to blame for this mess.


The culprit was even conveniently lurking at the end of the hall.

"Karofsky!" he hissed, dragging the other boy by his sleeve in the direction of a bathroom.

"I totally wasn't standing there and waiting for you to come out," Karofsky protested, but let himself be dragged.

Kurt deposited the jock by a sink and squinted at him with displeasure. "That's not what I wanted to discuss, but we might address this issue later." He quickly checked his hair in a mirror (it wouldn't do to look like a slob, even in the face of a crisis) and started to pace.

"Suddenly, Artie and Puck turned into little girls, Sam is letting Mike hump him in public, and Finn's looking at me like I'm God's gift to men, while wearing my scarf. That's not even gay, that's just…"

Karofsky waited a few seconds, but nothing more came. "Weird?" he suggested.

"Weird doesn't even begin to describe the horror that's taking place as we speak, but okay, for the sake of this conversation, let's call it weird. You can't just throw on a scarf-- and I mean throw on, you should see that disaster-- and call it homosexual. It takes talent and practice. Something has to be done." He stopped pacing and looked expectantly at the bigger boy.

Dave looked right back at him. "And?"

"And you have to fix this."


"Yes! It's all your fault!"

The jock had the audacity to look exasperated. "What are you talking about?"

"You turn out gay and suddenly everyone's a gay wannabe! There must be a connection."

Karofsky shifted his weight and let out a sigh. "Isn't that what you wanted?" he asked, shooting for nonchalant, but hitting closer to bitter.

Kurt curled his fingers into the dreadful jacket. "You're not listening to me, Karofsky," he shook him, or tried to, but it was rather like trying to move a particularly large boulder. "Finn's wearing my scarf!"

The jock frowned, seemingly in dawning comprehension. "The fuchsia one with the dots?"

"Yes! It's not doing anything for his complexion, and it absolutely doesn't match the rest! It's a nightmare!" he paused. An epiphany! "Wait, I get it! I'm dreaming. Where's Leonardo DiCaprio?"

Karofsky watched, bewildered, as Kurt started checking the empty stalls for signs of his celebrity crush (Leo from Titanic, of course, not from Inception). He shook his head. "You're completely mad, Hummel. God knows why I like you."

Kurt whipped his head around. "Excuse me? What's not to like? I don't even-- wait, you like me? And why are you not here anymore!"


If he had to run after Karofsky one more time, somebody was going to get slapped.

He caught up to him just as the jock barged into the glee rehearsal room, interrupting Finn's performance of "It's OK 2 B Gay". Kurt peered around him and saw that at least Mike and Sam sat down (nearly on top of each other), but Artie and Puck graduated from nail polish to lip gloss.

Finn straightened up (sweet baby Jesus, he'd been bending over), smiled at Kurt and scowled at the unwelcome guest. "What do you want?"

"What the hell's wrong with you freaks?" Apparently, Karofsky was a born diplomat.

After a minute of tense silence, Puck cracked his knuckles. "You have something against gay people, huh?" On any other day he'd get major points for that, but currently he had pink nails and was stuck in the wheelchair with Artie, so the overall effect was less than impressive.

Karofsky threw a disdainful look at them all.

"What do you losers know about being gay?" he said. Then he reached behind himself and yanked Kurt around into a deep kiss.

Kurt's first thought was I can’t believe I fell for this again. He even managed a how exactly is this helping?, but then his brain screeched to a halt at mmmm that's actually pretty nice.

A long while later, while he was still trying to jump-start his brain, Karofsky shot a smug look in the direction of the glee members. He graced Kurt with a tentative smile and then, inexplicably, ducked his head and marched out of the room.

"Well, that was gay," said Puck.

Mike nodded sadly. "Yeah. We suck at this. We should just give it up."

"Suddenly he's the expert," grumbled Artie.

Puck, who was trying (and failing) to get out of the chair, huffed in a way that was probably meant to convey grudging admiration. "He's good at that."

Surprisingly, yes, Kurt mused. Finn was trying to get out of the scarf, thank heavens.

Kurt turned on his heel and followed Karofsky (seriously, that was the last time). "Karofsky, wait a minute!"

Dave paused at the end of the hall and looked over his shoulder with a hopeful expression. Kurt quickened his pace. He might as well end the day on a good note.

(And he could still talk the Dalton Academy Warblers into an afterparty on the next day.)


(Two days earlier…)

"Okay guys, thanks for coming," said Finn, standing up from a bench in the locker room. "Sam and I have an awesome plan, but we need your help."

"Sure, man," said Artie, and Mike nodded his head. Puck was busy sexting.

Sam stood next to Finn, ready to take on the role of a co-leader. "You know how the girls won't…"

"Put out?" suggested Mike.


"Not really," Puck and Mike said in unison, and Artie sighed.

"My problem's different. I already had her body, now I need to get her heart," he said.

Finn and Sam looked at each other with a silent 'Damn!'. But they wouldn't give up that easily.

"Uh, Artie! Our plan could totally help you, too! Listen guys, we're all going to pretend to be gay."

They were met by three unimpressed stares. Sam cleared his throat.

"The girls will think they lost us for good and they'll do anything to get us back!"

"I don't know, man…" Artie didn't seem convinced of the brilliance of their plan. "You think Brittany will go out with me if she thinks I'm gay?"

Puck looked up from his cell phone. "She'll go out with you if she thinks you have a puppy in your pants. Worked for Matt."

Some sort of a silent communication was taking place between Mike and Sam. It consisted of intent stares and vague eyebrow movement. Finally Mike announced: "I'll do it."

Finn frowned. "You will? What's in it for you?" he asked, forgetting for a moment that he was supposed to get him to agree.

Mike shrugged. "Tina digs things like that."

"What? Gay things?"

"Yeah. Don't ask me, man."

"Okay, then!" Finn clapped his hands. "Mike will do it. Artie?"

"Sure. It can't harm my chances, I guess."


"No way, man," Puck even put away his phone to effectively convey what he thought of the plan. "I'm not playing homo when I'm getting more women that I can keep up with."

"Oh come on, bro! We need you! We must stand together!"

Puck sprawled on the bench and looked at them speculatively. "Okay, I'll help you if you help me. I found out where Beth is held, and the security is totally lame. We can get her, like, easily."

The boys considered this for a minute.

"Wouldn't that be kidnapping?" asked Sam.

"It's not kidnapping if it's my daughter, man. People do it all the time."

They all nodded their heads thoughfully. Then Sam appeared to remember something. "But shouldn't we talk about it all with Kurt?"

The guys stared at him for a moment. "He's already gay, bro."

"Oh, right."

Finn seemed to realize that his plan was actually working out. "So, we've got a deal?"

(…and back to the main timeline.)

"Holy shit, guys," Finn said, a little panicked, not least because the scarf appeared intent on choking him to death. "What have we done?"

Puck grunted in agreement. "Yeah, the nail polish was an overkill."

"No, I mean, we spread a real gay virus! You all saw what happened!"

"Yeah, that was seriously gay," said Artie.

Sam stared at Finn, terrified. "What if it comes back to us?!"

There were a few beats of stillness, and then they all rushed to the girls. (Not without difficulty, in Artie's and Puck's case.) Finn fell to his knees before his girlfriend. "Rachel, I love you! I was just kidding!"

Rachel looked down at him with disapproval. "I know, Finn. We heard what you said in the locker room. I expected better from you."

He spared a moment for an inward 'Shit!' and went back to begging for forgiveness. "I can totally make out with you without going further for the rest of my life!"

"And you're going to," she agreed.

As if it wasn't enough tragedy for one day, Sue Sylvester appeared in the door. She took in the whole scene and raised her eyebrows. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't even want to know what's going on in this pit of hair gel and misery. I'll ask just once: which one of you rejects took Becky's nail polish?"


(The Dalton Academy was already gay, the Coming Out just conveniently happened on the same day.)

The End

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