[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_aurum/ posting in [community profile] picomin
Title: Must Be Tuesday
Author: [livejournal.com profile] _aurum
Pairing: Kurt/Karofsky, Rachel/Blaine, past-Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG-13
Genre: crack (I can't stress this enough)
Word count: 1,080
Summary: Something crazy is happening in Glee club. Must be Tuesday. (or: Blaine gets pregnant.)
Notes: I don't... I don't even know. I blame [livejournal.com profile] keycchou.





Kurt barely managed to enter the music room when he was accosted by Blaine.

"Hi Kurt!" he called, looking simultaneously bright and a little sick, and pulled his friend to the side. "Remember when you told me I was getting fat?"

Kurt tsked in rebuke. "Oh Blaine, you know I'm only doing it for your own good. If you cut down on the whipped cream, it's all going to be okay."

"No, no, just... Maybe you should sit down."

The fashionista shook his head. "Do these pants look like they were made for sitting? Just tell me."

"Um, okay." Blaine took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

Kurt sat down. And promptly sprang back up (partly because of the pants, but also because of the what). "What!" he squeaked. The rest of the club, doing a poor job of pretending they weren't eavesdropping, made muffled noises of excitement.

Blaine cleared his throat. "Yes, uh. Yesterday I had an appointment with the doctor and it's true."

"How... how is that even possible?"

"Remember that evening in the park...?" Blaine started, looking shifty.

Kurt paused the flailing he was indulging in and narrowed his eyes at the other boy. "That's not really what I—are you trying to say it's mine?"

The former Warbler graduated from looking shifty to actually shifting from leg to leg. Kurt resumed flailing. "I can't believe you! We were singing, Blaine! I know you think I'm naïve, but I'm aware that babies don't come from singing with each other!"

Blaine flung himself into a chair and buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry, Kurt. I just don't know what to do. And it's the hormones!"

"The ultimate excuse," said Puck in a stage whisper. Finn nodded sadly.

"Hi guys," said Dave, continuing the long-standing tradition of showing up at the least convenient moment. "What's up?"

There wasn't even a moment of awkward silence, just Brittany announcing: "Blaine's pregnant!" with a happy smile on her face.

Dave let out a chuckle, as it seemed like an appropriate reaction. Until he noticed that nobody else was laughing and Blaine was looking up at him with a hurt expression and actual tears in his eyes. He whipped his head in Kurt's direction.

"It's not, uh... yours, right?" he asked, wide-eyed.

Kurt threw his hands up. "Not you, too! How can you even ask? I told you that time was my first—" he abruptly shut up, but the damage was done.

"I knew it!" Santana crowed and clapped her hands before extending one of them in Quinn's direction. "Pay up." Puck waved a thumbs-up at them from behind the girls.

Mercedes snapped her fingers. "Now wait a minute, why didn't I hear about this before?" Tina nodded emphatically.

Before Kurt could start placating them, Finn shot up from his chair and pointed an accusing finger at Karofsky. "What!" he squawked. "You—you and Kurt?!"

Kurt, who by then was red as a tomato (damn his perfect porcelain complexion), rolled his eyes. "You of all people knew we were dating..." he started, but then he realized something. "Is this your 'protective brother' act? Aww, Finn! I knew you cared!" He skipped the few steps and attached himself to his step-brother by way of a death hug.

In the momentary silence Quinn raised an important issue. "So, if it's not Kurt's... who's the father?" All eyes turned to Blaine.

He sniffed. "When Kurt and I broke up," he started reluctantly, "I had a 'forever alone' moment... and I got drunk... and then Rachel called..."

"Oh my God," said the girl in question to the chorus of gasps. "This is perfect song material!" She fumbled for a notebook and a pen.

Kurt let go of his brother to stare incredulously at his ex-boyfriend. "Rachel got you pregnant? I can't believe this."

"I know, right? But unless she remembers something I don't..."

"Oh, I remember everything," she said distractedly. The boys flinched.

Blaine pouted and made a show of wiping his eyes. "You know what I find hard to believe? That we were dating for a much longer time and we barely grazed second base! And now..." He waved a hand in the general direction of a very flustered jock. "Now this!"

Kurt winced. "I'm sorry, Blaine, but... Have you seen David with his shirt off?" He squinted in a vaguely threatening way. "I may have to kill you if you have."

Puck opened his mouth to say something, but was quickly shushed by the girls around him. Karofsky blushed harder and coughed into his fist.

"What happened to 'our secret'?" he grumbled.

Undaunted, Kurt crossed his arms and glared. "What happened to 'I trust you, baby, let me put my hands down your—'" At that point he was silenced in the only way Dave found effective.

"Oooh, it keeps getting better!" said Santana, somehow producing a bag of popcorn out of thin air.

Rachel raised her head from the notebook. "I need a rhyme for 'womb'!"

"My eyes!" Finn cried, turning away from the sight of his step-brother melting into his boyfriend's arms.

"Tomb?" offered Mike.

Rachel shook her head at them both. "Finn, that's not a rhyme. Mike, please don't be morbid. That's a little miracle of life growing inside of Blaine!"

"I'm going to be sick," announced the miracle mother. Quinn handed him a paper bag.

"What happened to 'men can't get pregnant'?" asked Artie, the sole voice of reason. He would be summarily ignored, if it wasn't for Brittany.

"They totally can," she said, patting her boyfriend on his hand. "I saw it on the net. It's called mpreg."

The guys looked alarmed. Not Kurt and Dave, though; they were far too busy.

"Sorry, I'm sorry," Karofsky was saying between kisses. "It's just—I can't bear—"

"I know, I know," Kurt panted. "Less talking, more kissing," he added, trying to climb his boyfriend like a tree. Dave assisted by taking his hands away from his face and putting them in more interesting places.

Mercedes and Tina clapped. Brittany whistled. Finn made gagging noises. Santana threw popcorn at him. Rachel thrust her pen into the air in triumph.

"I've got the rhyme! It's 'groom'!"

Blaine turned deadly pale and scrambled for the paper bag.

Mr. Shue turned up, took one look at them and backed up slowly. "See you guys tomorrow!" he called and disappeared down the hall.

"And it's only Monday..." sighed Artie.

(It was Tuesday, but. Whatever.)


The End





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